1. Any hot celebrity that's showing cleavage is always the number one cause.
2. T.I tells everyone that he's going back to the old T.I so I can go run in a bathroom and blast "You Don't Know Me" in complete joy.
3. Read the first one because I'm struggling to find reasons because I don't care about stories that mostly revolve around Sandra Bullock and how she loves kids.
Anyway today I'll be discussing ten topics that I constantly see in magazines like Life Style Magazine, People Magazine, or U.S magazine basically magazines that cover all the things that is going on in the world of celebrities that I somehow read out of sheer boredom of my job. My job really needs to bring back ESPN magazines, I swear ever since they saw me reading one on the job, they never got a new one again. I'm going to go through the eight most consistent things that I see in magazines and most likely poke fun at them because I can't stand them. I'm usually a guy that does top tens, but my mind will start to explode talking about retarded things after eight It will be some stand up comedy so just follow on.
What I Learn At My Job
It's all about the money anyway.
Angelina Jolie/ Brad Pitt/ Jennifer Anniston/ eight random kids- Everything always seems to revolve around them in the world of entertainment. One week we see that Angelina found voice mails from Jennifer on Brad's phone. The next week Angelina gets caught binge drinking in a room alone that makes you wonder if she's watching too many Lindsey Lohan movies. The next week shows that Brad really has feelings for Jennifer just like any man with a brain would. I have no idea what's going to happen but it's really captivating information (sarcasm). I don't get what's going on and i'm sick of always hovering the spotlight. I'll always respect Brad Pitt for his great work in Fight Club but other than that, he doesn't interest me. This whole situation never makes sense to me even though it seems like every black person I meet seem to put Angelina high in their woman rankings. So much mystery here that it's giving me a head ache. Please something major happen like Brad makes a Fight Club 2 movie with both women fighting for his love with someone screaming "What about the children' every minute.(Jim Ross would be perfect for that role).
Kardashians because that's all that matters in life- I'm so sick and tired of that entire family but they're on everything these days and have to be mentioned. If you go on Twitter, you probably got every Kim Kardashian joke possible. Khole is the ugly one, Kourtney is the one with the husband that is cheered by men and hated by women, and Kim is a punchline. @OpieRadio and @JimNorton never fail in making those jokes so be sure to follow them if you haven't already (any intelligent person would). They are being exposed for all their faults such as needing money by doing obscure events, marrying decent basketball players, and having too many kids that make people wonder when the youngest two are going to become legal to hit on. Also that Kayne-Kim thing is going on but I'm not getting into that because Kayne is a flat out douche. Hopefully Kris comes out and destroys Kim to pieces that possibly makes Kim so broke that she has to go back to sex tapes. That is likely not going to happen so to end this highly depressing Kardashian post, I leave you with this.
YES
Glee is still on air?- When I had to study for finals a few years ago, my mom would watch Glee in my room and I would get interrupted ten times within the hour by the horrible show. She was so nice that she put up the volume higher to prove how loving she was (my mom is the best, don't you judge her!). In all seriousness though, I have no idea how people watch Glee. It contains characters that over the top characters, old boring women that hate life, obese black girls that always try to get sympathy, and guys that are flat out horrible with their gay tendencies. I'm not sure how the show is still on the air which makes me question about what are people watching these days. The reason I know so much about the show because my mom still shoves it down my head because when I get home from work it's on and she talks to herself out loud about the show. I rather hear my dad talk about the young generation and how were the laziest dirtbags on planet Earth than watch an episode of Glee. Please take this off air and off magazine pages because I don't need to be reminded that this is still a very popular show.
Justin Beiber I hate to make fun of you- I really do dislike hating on Justin because he's the only person I can think of that gets more grief than Kim Kardashian. Everyone seems to hate on the little guy because he's so rich and better than all of us cool guys. He gets to sing and impress all the little girls along with not giving a damn what the community thinks. He just started rapping which shows courage because their plenty of people along with myself that have their hands over their eyes saying "this is what hip-hop has come to". I'm not against people bashing on Justin because I'm sick of his goofy face around magazines I read as well. I'm in the percentile that want to see Eva Longoria smiling like the doll that she is over Justin playing with some dog but that just doesn't work out always. Justin can keep doing his thing as long as he stays away from rap and doesn't sing the nation anthem at any sporting events. I swear if he performs for a Heat or Falcons game, I'll be very ashamed of wearing the proud colors of red and black.
Sandra Bullock boring person of the year- The only productive thing that I've enjoyed in the long career of Sandra Bullock was with Michael Oher because football is awesome and it was a great story otherwise Bullock does nothing for me. She's very charitable and that sounds all great, but do I need to hear trying to dress like she's 28 again? I swear if you take the eight pounds of make up off of her, she'll be so disfigured that it would make you want to go look at pictures of Demi Moore in 2012 (which is down right sick!). I don't need to see Sandra try to look like she's twenty years younger than she is because her wrinkles are pretty revealing. My old chemistry teacher would rip on Sandra pretty good back in 2010. When he would show us websites to study chemistry on, he would tell us that the computer was actually useful for something other than sports and porn. Some kid made some snarky remark and it wasn't me because my chemistry teacher is an intimidating Polish old man. He would reply saying you would probably hide in your basement in your Scooby Do Pajamas and jerk off to Sandra Bullocks on google. It was so wrong and absurd to say in class, but it was always funny because what 52 year old man would say something like that. Thanks for the material Mr.Chowske and thanks for passing me when I didn't know a damn thing what chemistry was about.
Ashton Kutcher remember when he was the man- Ashton Kutcher was one of the most funniest people on television growing up. I was a huge That's 70 Show fan back in the day and Ashton (Michael was his name on the show) was easily my favorite character. He played the dumb jock to perfection and never failed making me laugh. Also he was the great inventor of Punk'd that still makes people laugh at 3 Am while their drunk or stoned after a crazy night and they can't fall asleep. Now he's on terrible comedy flicks and in a conflicted relationship with Demi Moore. I always hated Two and Half men so the last thing I need to see is Ashton making a stupid smile with that awful co-star and the suddenly skinny kid. I've been greatly saddened by Ashton especially now that he lost the Jesus Christ look. I'm sick of seeing his face looking like he just did three lines with Charlie Sheen on the cover of People's magazine then Demi is on the other side looking like the old hag that she is. Please let me know when Ashton becomes funny and cool again. Also I'm sick of the corny camera commercials that shows him taking pictures of attractive girls. They are not one bit funny and it makes him look like a tool in a bad way, not the good way where he would get owned by Eric's dad for the dumb** that he is.
Snooki-Mania is still running wild- This is the last person because I have a splitting headache talking about these people. It may be all fun and games but I have a splitting headache on talking about garbage like this sometimes. Ashton was fun but people like Chris Brown and the Kardashians really make my brain split in half. Snooki recently became pregnant even though she was making covers not too long ago exposing herself in clubs and proving to the world that stupidity can lead to greatness. I'll admit that I enjoy Snooki's mishaps from getting incredibly drunk to get arrested and consistently crying on the show which I was notified from thanks to three hundred and fifty of my Facebook friends out of five hundred (you guys are the best!). Basically all her antics were always hitting magazines because Snooki is a popular figure in the world for some reason. Despite all of this, she still manages to anger me because people actually look up to her as inspiration. This drunk slob is now an inspirational figure to women thanks to having some fashion line and becoming incredibly skinny thanks to drugs. That's inspiration huh, now you wonder why I use lines such as "blame a woman". Snooki has now made me have to look at her annoying face, she now has women wanting to be just like her, and she had to write her own book that was bought by so many because we all want to read about the life of getting incredibly drunk day after day. She even tried to get into wrestling once and she even won a match at Wrestlemania (which is considered the Super Bowl of the company. She even managed to ruin something that I love so very much, thankfully the great people of Atlanta that not only support a great football team in the Falcons but also booed her out of the building. I'm hoping that Snooki really changes with her new kid and can actually start living up to her inspirational billing otherwise she's still going to remain on the butt end of my jokes. I'm done with this topic, I got a headache this is worse than talking about Tim Tebow.
Inspirational figure!!!
Feel Good Story
I enjoyed doing comedy hour but now I want to get into something awesome. I'm not going to talk about it a lot because the video explains it all. I'm a huge UFC fan like you guys already know, so it makes the video even better. Max Hiler is a 12 year old boy that has suffered through severe diseases. The details are pretty scary and I don't want to fully ruin it. He gets a cool surprise by meeting his favorite fighter Carlos Condit in a really cool story. If you want to smile and possibly have a tear come down your eye, watch the video. People think UFC is full of obnoxious tough guys that don't care about their fans. Carlos is a champion right now yet still takes time out of his day to do this. My hats off to this and one of my favorite writers in Mauro Ranallo.
Quick Playoff Thoughts
I'm not breaking down every series right now like i said above. I'm going to talk about the five biggest stories in the playoffs so far. On Friday, I'll be breaking down how every series has gone so far. Until then, here are five things that I want to discuss.
Very tragic
1. Derrick Rose tearing his ACL is the biggest story without a doubt. With this injury, the title hopes for Chicago have been shattered. They may not even make it out of the first round after tonight's performance against the 76ers where Jrue Holiday absolutely dominated tonight. Now many people have criticized the coaching staff about keeping Rose when the Bulls were up by 12 with just a minute left. It could have been avoided but most star players play during that time. The Bulls just started to get a double digit lead after the 76ers made a nice comeback. It could have been avoided but I don't think you can fully criticize the Bulls here. It was an unfortunate mistake and now it looks like that gives the Miami Heat a smooth ride to the finals. Speaking of that series, that brings us to the next topic.
2. The series between the Knicks and Heat have started some fire works early on in the series which should surprise nobody. The only surprise was that the competitiveness of the series has been lacking. I'm well aware that the Knicks were around in Game 2 but they never looked like a serious threat to win in Miami. The big story was Amarie Stoudmire punching glass where a fire extinguisher was placed. He hurt his hand and now looks likely to miss the rest of the series. The Knicks were always hurting with Iman Shumpert (top defender) tearing his ACL but now with Amarie, the chances of even winning a game is slip. The Knicks were done when Shumpert tore his ACL but he's their best defender and a huge key to their recent hot run. Amarie has struggled all season and wasn't going to change the series other than possibly helping winning a game or two. He's a huge part to the Knicks but his value has significantly dropped. It also shows how sad things have gotten since Amarie is a veteran and the Knicks have a pretty young roster. Knick players may look up to him and now just saw what he can do. It's a sad situation and it will likely leave a depressing ending to a very confusing Knicks season.
3. Despite the heroics of Kevin Durant in Game 1, he's had a horrible series so far. The reason why the Thunder have won the first two games in a highly entertaining series is because of Russell Westbrook. Russell has dominated his matchup with Jason Kidd and has made several key plays in the series with not much help. Serge Ibaka had a breakout Game 2 but other than that, it has been a struggle with Durant having problems being defended by Shawn Marion. The series has been my favorite so far in terms of excitement even if it has been only two games but Westbrook has stood out to me the most. He's playing his aggressive style as usual, but he's playing much smarter and playing excellent against Jason Kidd who has been shooting very poorly this series. Dallas is close though and Oklahoma City will need some more help from James Harden, who has been quiet. It has been a struggle so far but you knew Dallas weren't going to be push overs. This series is getting really interesting and things could change fast if Dallas can win their home games.
4. The suspension of Rajon Rondo was really shocking. Rondo is known for a calm guy on the court, but when I saw him bump into the ref it was shocking. I missed the game Sunday so I can't really comment other than based on some highlights. It was clear that Rondo was having a great game like usual but he didn't get much support from his teammates except Kevin Garnett. The bench did little to nothing which is a common thing when Ray Allen isn't around and Paul Pierce struggled. The loss of Rondo seemed to be huge because he's been their most valuable player this year (Garnett can be argued but not Pierce on that). Rondo seemed to be a huge loss but Celtics won a tough game tonight even though they were aided by a Josh Smith injury which was huge considering how great Josh Smith has been playing this year. It was very shocking to see Rondo do that too but he's always been a humble guy.
5. The last thing that has been a headliner for the playoffs so far has to be the Clippers comeback. This was another game that I didn't see at all (I'm bummed by that). The Grizzles were all over the Clippers for three quarters based on highlights despite not shooting great. They were just playing suffocating defense on the Clippers and forcing turnovers. Other than Gasol and Conley, nobody was really playing well. The Clippers finally struck and showed that you can't count out star power. Despite a quiet game in the stat column by his standards, Chris Paul was the influential leader in the comeback with Nick Young being a huge help. I knew Young would be a huge upgrade to an average bench for the Clippers and he showed it with 19 points. The bench really stepped up with everyone playing efficient and productive from Kenyon Martin to Eric Bledsoe. They out rebounded the Grizzles and played sound basketball in their huge come back. Blake Griffin didn't have a big game either because it was a team effort that you need to beat the Grizzles on both ends of the court. Another odd stat about the game was how good the Grizzles shot from three because they are among the worst three point shooting teams in the league because they lack sharp shooters. Conley and O.J Mayo went nine for eleven from three point rage and it was a big reason why the Grizzlies were up so big. Clippers showed that it will be a long series and that they're proving to the naysayers that they're wrong. People feel that the Clippers are so overrated and don't know how to play actual team basketball. After that comeback, people may want to watch their choice of words.
Final Word/ Plugs
That was much longer than I thought but it was very informative and hopefully funny. I'll be back Friday covering all the playoff rounds. I'll probably add some thoughts on UFC and boxing which will be happening Saturday. I'm not a huge boxing fan, but I do realize that Floyd Mayweather is fighting and that usually is must watch material. I'm way more psyched for UFC because that's what I love so much. It may not have big names but this will be a good card and its free on Fox. I'll do a little write up for that until then I'll be back on Friday. Have a good day and I got a few shout outs to give out.
I hope my buddy Billy Faller gets better after he went down with something potentially serious in his back. That's one of my favorite players on the crazy softball team known as the Deadly Alliance. I haven't been able to report much or tell any funny stories because it has been a rough start to the season. It's a long season so hopefully things change. Get better soon Billy because he's well needed for the team and he's probably up there with my favorite guy on the team to crack jokes with.
The last shout out goes out to Ariel Helwani who actually checked out some of my writing. He's not a full time reader but he actually read my work and thanked me for the kind words that I wrote about him when I met him. The reason he gets a shout out because he just had his first baby and that's huge news. It comes at a good time for him since he's a die hard Knick fan and they are imploding. With his kid, he'll be too happy raising him to get too upset with the Knicks. I'm happy for Ariel and his wife (met her for two minutes, absolute sweetheart) so he gets a mention of course regardless if he's upset that I'm a Heat fan and has toned me up for the next week.
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